~Patrick Carolan, Class of 2024

John Carolan is the name of my biggest idol, hero, inspiration, supporter, and the most loyal person I know. He is a six-foot man who used to be clean-shaven for his whole life until he left his dream job at the fire station to support his wife and kids. He was a firefighter for seventeen years and reached the rank of lieutenant before he left. He’s been to many natural disasters with his FIMA team, and that’s what he loved to do. But the time had come when his wife needed help, and he decided it was best to pull out and support his family. Now he’s got a big black and gray beard and long, curly hair that used to be longer than my sisters. I see him as a mix of a samurai and a lumberjack who drives a red 1999 Jeep Cherokee with a stick and wears Belmont Hill merchandise. 

He is a mix of so much culture; what if Fitz hits a student? He wouldn’t get in that much trouble; I guess it depends on the student, though. If he threw an eraser mock ten at Joe’s head, I think that Joe would definitely snitch on him, but I know that I wouldn’t. 

Back to my dad, he is a telemark skier who rips down slopes, dropping his knee on every turn. He wears bright yellow pants when he skis, kind of like the man in the yellow hat from Curious George. That was a great show. 

I watched it so many times growing up, but I was never a fan of the books. Another really great thing on TV that I was addicted to was cars. Being a complete trilogy, I am a strong believer that the Cars trilogy is a top 5 animated trilogy of all time. Following how to tame a dragon. I would say Kung-Fu Panda is the best, but guess how many movies there are in that? Four, so it doesn’t work, you silly goose. 

Back to my dad, kind of. I am now a telemark skier. For those who don’t know, telemark skiing is basically where you free your heel from your bindings. My dad taught my brother how to telemark when he was a sophomore in high school, and now that I’m a freshman, he is teaching me how to telemark. I started over break and only got a day in. It’s really difficult. Perchance. 

Stompen turts, I just giggled at that, if you know you know. James really wants to salsa dance with his hot Spanish wife under the moonlight. Oh golly Oh gosh, my iPad is low on battery. Phineas and Ferb is a great show. I binged that on a vacation to Acadia Mountain. My sister cried the whole time because she is a lazy ass who needs her iPad. I asked Brett this morning if he could run fast in his new shoes. And he told me that he hadn’t tried yet. I always try to run fast in my new shoes, and it always works, but he doesn’t. He must have been a lame kid to hang out with. He is getting a haircut soon. 

Every time you make a turn, you have to do a lunge that burns your quads to death. The death emoji really doesn’t reflect on death very much. But that’s not important. I think that all Asian people don’t exist. Along with birds and Finland. Tell me one person that you know who is from or has been to Finland. Exactly, you can’t. These goons are speaking Chinese, and I can’t understand them. I asked Fitz who made the cookie, and he called Jimmy a sucker. Me and Fitz are talking about Russian women and how my girl is Russian. “You know who I am” (John 3:16) has to be one of the hardest bible quotes of all time.

This section is literally just my wants:

I wish I had a charcuterie board right about now. I had this really good cheese that was like goat cheese with blueberries, and it was delicious. I can’t spell that word.

I want a lightsaber and to fight in an intergalactic war.

I want to capture a princess from a castle, kiss her to make her come back to life, and slay the dragon with my lightsaber.

I want to ride a huge moschops (Dino, that might be from a video game) wielding my lightsaber and slaying people with round faces.

I think that my biggest dream in life is to raise a happy family that loves each other.

I want more Lego. Star Wars sets

I want that really big Republican venator-class star fighter.

I want cologne.

I want to own a pair of skis.

I want better style when skiing.

I want this jacket that’s like beige on the top and black on the bottom.

I want to have a nice first dance after my wedding alone on the dance floor after everyone went home and to end it with that one thing where the man picks up the girl by her waist and holds her above her head.

I want to recreate that picture from the Titanic.

I want all ants to perish.

I want to be good at video games.

I want to start an empire to take over the galaxy, only to be eventually overrun by an adopted nobody who thinks she’s the stuff.

When I die, I want my ashes to be scattered down the slopes of the aspen.

I want a charcuterie board.

I want more old spice timber.

I want to be referred to as emperor after I start my empire. The empire will start up again after hiding in the shadows and converting the most powerful being to the dark side by convincing him he can save his wife from death by childbirth. Then he will kill all of our threats, and we will build an army of fear just to be overrun by the children of the man’s wife. And he ends up throwing me in the abyss, but I come back as all of the sith, then the adopted girl fights as all of the light, and I die a heroic death.

I want to be a Roman legionary and have a heroic final stand.

I want to be a Jedi and have a heroic final stand.

I want to be a Greek hero like Percy Jackson and have a heroic final stand.

I want to be a child of Zeus.

I want to be a child of Poseidon.

I don’t want to be a child of Hades.

I want to die in a heroic position with a terrible weapon so the main character can have a starting weapon.

I want to be able to erase things from my memory.

I want to meet the man who named the banana.

I want to shake the first ever human hand.

I want to give a PC to George Washinton.

I want a jet pack.

I want to eat the white stuff from a fire extinguisher.

I want a large meat lover’s pizza from Sorentos.

I want my kids to grow up and be attractive so they can pull pretty wives’ hair and make up for my lack of rizz.

I want a white water bottle.

I never want braces.

I want a dragon.

I want to vacation in Aruba again, like we did when I was younger.

I have a sudden masculine urge to raise a family to take over the universe.

I want a cloud in my room. But it’s like a small, overly cool-looking bowl that still functions as a reg cloud. Sometimes it gets dark and rains, and maybe even some lightning, or sometimes it’s light and happy.

I want to abolish slavery.

I want to get rid of all tea besides ice tea.

I want to drive.

I want a dog named Beau, as in (bow) or (bo).

I want the dog to be a Native American Indian dog, which is very cute. Look it up.

I want to be the reason smoking and vaping, for non-medical purposes, stop.

I want everyone named Jackson to change their names.

Questions: Fitz I need answers to all of these questions.

Why are the bad guys always on the dark side?

Do girls actually poop?

Is it just sparkles?

Finland doesn’t exist, right?

How’d the first human decide to become human and not a monkey with a weird body?

Was the first goose a regular goose or a silly goose?

When the turntables turn table have just turned?

Do genies actually exist, and if so, how do I get my hands on one of them?

How does a cramp work?

Why is coming up with gifts so hard?

Am I just bad at gift-giving?

Is that a real-life stat?

Does that make me “bad” at Christmas?

Why is the new fashion so ugly? Shouldn’t fashion look good and be something people want to wear?

Was Fitz actually the fastest bike in Concord?

Why does school cost so much money for a public school?

If life gives you lemons, what should I make?

Who was the muffin man, and why did he make the gingerbread guy?

If turtles are so sacred and we should save them, they must be doing something for humanity. What are they doing for us?

Who made slippers, and who did I shake that man’s hand?

Why is one hand inverted and the other isn’t?

Jack Johnson makes some great music. (Not a question, just a statement.)

I think that skinny jeans are a terrible idea.

Did the old Coca-Cola actually have Coca-Cola in it?

Why are tea parties such a big thing? Tea doesn’t even taste good; it’s just warm leaf water.

Why do things get wrinkly in water?

Why aren’t you allowed to bring drinks on the dance floor?

Can people look cute together, or is that just made up to make someone feel good?

Why is picking the skin on your fingers so addicting?

Here’s a list of my masculine thoughts that I love. 

I think if there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’d do just fine. Same thing with a plane. If I were on a flight and the pilots died, I would be able to land the plane with the help of tower control. Also, give me a lax stick, and I will be able to beat a bear in a fight. But like a smaller black bear. I want to ride a shark strapped to a missile going into a volcano but have my clone, who is also a hacker, hack into the missile right before the volcano and save humanity. I don’t think I’m going to be a great dad, but people tell me that I am going to be a great dad. I’m not so great with kids, though. I want to build an empire from the ground up, only to die a heroic death on the battlefield in order to save the capital city.

Mr. Dwane tends to talk a lot about stuff that I find not so important. I believe that it serves a purpose in life, just like most things, but I feel like I will never need it. I sometimes type without looking at my device. I was out to dinner with my mom, and I told her that, and she made fun of me. I just wrote that whole thing without looking. Three of us are doing this assignment at the same time, and I find that funny.

My sister got a ukulele for Christmas, and she doesn’t want to learn how to play it; she just wants to play it. Huge waste of money, and if I were the parent, I would have said no. On that topic, the word “ukulele” is a really weirdly spelled word.

My small mind couldn’t figure out how to spell it for the life of me.