The Last Thoughts of One Who Had Given Up

~Sean Park, Class of 2025

As the sun sets and darkness begins to envelop the city, the soft glow of streetlights and the twinkle of stars fill the sky. The sounds of bustling traffic and noisy crowds fade, making silence fill the air. The streets are almost empty, and only a couple of people can be seen, every one of them enjoying the tranquility of it all. This is the peaceful city that I grew up in. This is the city in which I had the happiest years of my life, and it’s only fitting that I will die here, surrounded by my best memories. I am currently hurtling down the side of a building.

I chose to end myself to escape the feeling of helplessness. My life was a set of problem after problem, all seemingly unsolvable. Rejection after rejection, failure after failure, it seemed like I had no way to salvage my life. If it would only go downhill from here, what was the point in keeping it? 

The frigid cold air bites into my skin. The wind blows hard into my face, making my eyes water. If these were my last moments, I want to enjoy them, surrounded by my childhood. I squint, looking at the scenic view that is laid out before me, recalling precious memories and how I got here. 

I recall memories of fourth grade, one of my happiest years. Back then, life was so much simpler. Every day seemed like a new day for a new possibility. I let my dreams and imagination run wild, living life to its full potential. Back then, I saw positivity in everything instead of finding negativity. Everybody back then was so much kinder, not yet corrupted by the world. My teachers and peers were all there to support me, never allowing for a dull moment. Even the school lunch, which I said tasted terrible, was something that I secretly looked forward to. But nothing lasts forever, and those happy years were no exception. Soon, my days of fun were over, replaced with long, grueling years of studying. The joy of living was sucked out of me, and I became completely focused on setting myself up for success, trading away my dreams and imagination. My life became black and white. Everything that seemed appealing to me before, now appeared to be a hassle or simply didn’t make me feel the same way. My life had changed in a way that couldn’t be undone, and it would haunt me for the rest of my life.

I recall a couple of my friends. They were all so bright and cheerful back then. I wonder how they’re doing now. Did they remain faithful to their dreams or did they trade their wishes for success, like me? There was so much I wanted to do as a child. How many of those dreams did I actually end up accomplishing? It makes me wonder, did I really end my life before I could even try the things I wanted to do? 

I regret jumping. Now faced with death, I can see that all of my problems were fixable. I regret not chasing my dreams. Because of the way I lived, I wasn’t able to enjoy life to its fullest. The only thing that I can do now is wait. Wait for the only certain thing that’ll happen to me now. Life is full of chances, but if you throw life itself away, you’re left with nothing. I am now close enough to see the surprised faces of the pedestrians who have noticed me.

I close my eyes shut. Even though I said I have accepted the fact that I will certainly die, a glimmer of hope still shines somewhere, deep within me. A glimmer of hope that somehow, I will be saved. A glimmer of hope that somehow, I will be given another chance. I want to live life the way I want to live it. The faces of everybody I remember are flashing through my head. Every memory I made with them, every moment with them, everything they said to me, everything I learned from them had meaning. Every victory I worked hard for, every defeat I took to heart, it all would’ve been useless. My conviction grows with every thought. I will live life the way I want to, without regrets. I will live life to its fullest. But as I think this, my heart sinks. There’s no way that I can be saved. Any amount of hope I had was crushed in that instant.

I’ve finally caught up to reality.

I’ve already hit the ground.